Dreams

Again my husband and I have found ourselves at this place: do we or don't we have a vasectomy? It comes down to dreams. Let me explain.

We have dreams or aspirations to finally have time together. To be able to have dates, to take a vacation together, to someday get a break from parenthood. But each time we have a baby, that time gets put off about three years.
I also would like to have a career or finish my masters, and right now the sacrifice is just unfeasable. I was able to acquire my BA during two of my children's birth, but the program was designed for busy adults. The program was really do-able in terms of being able to do my work and meet my family's needs.
I want my body back. With our last, the bedrest and the difficult recovery really has taken up the better part of a year. We still have bills for this birth since it had to be at the hospital. My house is a lot messier than I like because my kids are marathon nursers. I don't get a break until they are about five months old. And the pain? I really am sick of the pain of birth and constant discomfort of pregnancy. If I could just have the baby without the pregnancy...
I get to thinking that I'm pretty comfortable with the idea of not having any more children. That maybe I'm in a place where I am emotionally ready to move on to deal with all of my children as only older people and not as babies anymore. I start to think that maybe God was letting us know with the pain of the last one that it doesn't get better at this point...
And then I have a dream, at night, that shows me my real heart. Last night I dreamt that I had another baby, a girl, in a hospital suite or birth apartment, unassisted. It was completely painless, and she was early and perfect. I think that I would name her Joy.
I want to make our decision based on faith, not on fear. I want to trust God with our fears, but I also want to move forth on other fronts. I want to help other women with their children. Help them have hope and faith and to enjoy the fruit of their labor. Its times like these that I want to know what God's dreams are for me, His child.