The Shape of a Mother

If you want to see what real women look like after they have babies, check out this website! It celebrates the process of motherhood, and is realistic about the emotional pain that comes from accepting this new identity.

http://theshapeofamother.com/

I have to warn you, however, it is only for mature viewers. I guarantee you will see nudity.

Dreams

Again my husband and I have found ourselves at this place: do we or don't we have a vasectomy? It comes down to dreams. Let me explain.

We have dreams or aspirations to finally have time together. To be able to have dates, to take a vacation together, to someday get a break from parenthood. But each time we have a baby, that time gets put off about three years.
I also would like to have a career or finish my masters, and right now the sacrifice is just unfeasable. I was able to acquire my BA during two of my children's birth, but the program was designed for busy adults. The program was really do-able in terms of being able to do my work and meet my family's needs.
I want my body back. With our last, the bedrest and the difficult recovery really has taken up the better part of a year. We still have bills for this birth since it had to be at the hospital. My house is a lot messier than I like because my kids are marathon nursers. I don't get a break until they are about five months old. And the pain? I really am sick of the pain of birth and constant discomfort of pregnancy. If I could just have the baby without the pregnancy...
I get to thinking that I'm pretty comfortable with the idea of not having any more children. That maybe I'm in a place where I am emotionally ready to move on to deal with all of my children as only older people and not as babies anymore. I start to think that maybe God was letting us know with the pain of the last one that it doesn't get better at this point...
And then I have a dream, at night, that shows me my real heart. Last night I dreamt that I had another baby, a girl, in a hospital suite or birth apartment, unassisted. It was completely painless, and she was early and perfect. I think that I would name her Joy.
I want to make our decision based on faith, not on fear. I want to trust God with our fears, but I also want to move forth on other fronts. I want to help other women with their children. Help them have hope and faith and to enjoy the fruit of their labor. Its times like these that I want to know what God's dreams are for me, His child.

early voting

I was supposed to get up early this morning, but the fall chill trapped me in the warmth of my bed next to my babe. Ah, these are the most wonderful things in life, cuddling with my little nursling. It only lasts for a little while but its a memory that can be put in your pocket for a rainy day-- that rainy day being when your sweet child is a monster screaming "I hate you!"



This is our fifth child, and probably our last. Maybe...oh, I don't know!



I name all of our children accordsing to what their life means to me on my journey with God. Its a secret name, and one that my heart gives them. For my first daughter it was Consecration to God. She was the embarkment of our life (my husband and mine) as a family in the kingdom. She was our first great gift from the Father and it was our duty to raise her as one in service to Him. It doesn't mean that we will make that decision for her, But should she come to us someday and express that she wants to devote her life as a missionary in some hostile country, then I will have to remember that her life doesn't belong to me, and that she is first a child of God. It was also her that God showed himself to be the giver of life, both by healing my body and by putting her in my diseased womb.

My second daughter's name would be God With Us. Throughout my pregnancy I was so fearful. Yet, she was my only child that arrived right on time. The labor was horrible, because of extensive scarring from cervical surgury that I had right after my first daughter. Through horrendous pain and prayer our daughter was born at home, safely. Through that excruciating, ongoing pain I learned to trust God, because I had no other choice. Immediately after her birth, she was ready to eat and clamped onto my breast hard. This one was born hungry.

to be continued...

Good Morning Debt!!!

You'd think that quitting my job would make me feel worse about our rising debt. Instead, it gave my husband and I the motivation to sit down and really look at our monthly bills, where we are behind, and start planning a budget. My dh is the one who needs to see what's going on so that he can plan his work according to our needs. He's also got the foresight to see how the budget will work.
Thank God!! How can less money produce more joy? When the blaming stops and you're blessed with a little strength, when the priority comes people and not things, and when these things bear the fruit of hopefulness... then there is joy at being able to be together. We know that God is there for our good, but it can get scary when His Good starts to look like our ruin.
We had a nice weekend together and I'm so glad to be home.

Let Me Introduce Myself

Okay, so I really don't know what I'm doing. Seriously. If you ever happen to stumble onto this, I apologize now. I haven't written much (like this stuff) in the last 2 years and it may take some time to get my thoughts in order.

I quit my job today. I got a part time job thinking it could help with our finances but all it really did was make me miss my kids, resent that I had to be there in the first place, and remember what its like to go into the secular world. In my home I'm a bit sheltered, and because I am the gatekeeper I get to be spared as well.

As much as I would like to be the breadwinner and get the praise of achievement in the outside world, I've changed. Last year I enrolled into a very competitive graduate theology program. My competion: scholarly monks in training. My professors: seasoned Hungarian monk scholars who either taught or studied or served mass. Never before have I gotten to be so outranked. These guys go see the pope, like, regularly. Who am I in comparison? Can they see my boobs leaking when I start to miss my kids?
Yeah, that lasted all but 1 semester. I became pregnant mid-semester and was very happy to give up. But soon after I left I started bleeding. Though it wasn't bad, I did need to go on modified bedrest for awhile. Because of a past traumatic miscarriage, we were certain we were going to lose that child, but God put one tough kid in there, and he did come out thriving, and we were so happy, but emotionally exhausted.

We were also broke. A little over a year ago, my husband's small business took hit. One of his clients went bankrupt, owing us over $30K. It hurt us and then I was on bedrest and he had to help quite a bit. It wore him out and he became depressed. We are still trying to catch up, but are extremely thankful to have at least have had an steady stream of work coming in.

So, here we are. For the last month I was looking for work, part time. but I'm so hindered that really defining what I can do is difficult. My ad would say:
Stay at home mom looking for part time work. Hours limited to sometimes, maybe, not right now, according to husband's schedule. Can multitask, but do nothing very well or very quickly, usually with only one hand. Job will come in at 7th place on list of priorities, after five kids, husband and self. Will be unable to focus at times, and will randomly lose simple information due to fluctuating hormones. Expect several texts and personal cell phone calls at children's peak crying times. Will hate her job, but will show up because she doesn't want to let anybody down...

Really, what was I thinking???! Welcome to my world.