Let Me Introduce Myself

Okay, so I really don't know what I'm doing. Seriously. If you ever happen to stumble onto this, I apologize now. I haven't written much (like this stuff) in the last 2 years and it may take some time to get my thoughts in order.

I quit my job today. I got a part time job thinking it could help with our finances but all it really did was make me miss my kids, resent that I had to be there in the first place, and remember what its like to go into the secular world. In my home I'm a bit sheltered, and because I am the gatekeeper I get to be spared as well.

As much as I would like to be the breadwinner and get the praise of achievement in the outside world, I've changed. Last year I enrolled into a very competitive graduate theology program. My competion: scholarly monks in training. My professors: seasoned Hungarian monk scholars who either taught or studied or served mass. Never before have I gotten to be so outranked. These guys go see the pope, like, regularly. Who am I in comparison? Can they see my boobs leaking when I start to miss my kids?
Yeah, that lasted all but 1 semester. I became pregnant mid-semester and was very happy to give up. But soon after I left I started bleeding. Though it wasn't bad, I did need to go on modified bedrest for awhile. Because of a past traumatic miscarriage, we were certain we were going to lose that child, but God put one tough kid in there, and he did come out thriving, and we were so happy, but emotionally exhausted.

We were also broke. A little over a year ago, my husband's small business took hit. One of his clients went bankrupt, owing us over $30K. It hurt us and then I was on bedrest and he had to help quite a bit. It wore him out and he became depressed. We are still trying to catch up, but are extremely thankful to have at least have had an steady stream of work coming in.

So, here we are. For the last month I was looking for work, part time. but I'm so hindered that really defining what I can do is difficult. My ad would say:
Stay at home mom looking for part time work. Hours limited to sometimes, maybe, not right now, according to husband's schedule. Can multitask, but do nothing very well or very quickly, usually with only one hand. Job will come in at 7th place on list of priorities, after five kids, husband and self. Will be unable to focus at times, and will randomly lose simple information due to fluctuating hormones. Expect several texts and personal cell phone calls at children's peak crying times. Will hate her job, but will show up because she doesn't want to let anybody down...

Really, what was I thinking???! Welcome to my world.