Struggling to be Free from Familial Curses

One of my professors, who was specialized in dead biblical languages (not dead at all!)emphasized the repetative nature of the New Testament's use of the active "overcoming" when talking of perseverence. My children have really shown themselves as sanctifiers of my faith and what it really means to persevere and overcome. In them I can see both the Lord's victories and my own sin as it afflicts them. It is true victory when I can operate outside of my own default system (our cursedness) and enact out of the grace that I have known. Our kids are amazing because they deal with us first with absolute love and grace and only later judge us by the rules we helped lay out. If we can't see how we've hurt God with our sin, then we can look to our children as a measure, as they mature. To those children (as adults) that will judge their parents as perfect, the sin can be seen as the parents not admitting their imperfection, and perhaps this is the worse sin of all in how it damages our children. I say all this because my oldest of five is entering tweenhood, and I am shaking in my boots at the new adventure ahead. I've learned that the hardest things to accept in her are those that I have passed on to her. I hope I can offer some reassurance in saying that it doesn't get any better. Heaven help us.

I'm a Jerk.

Just letting you know.

Follower of Christ = Right Wing Conservative....Not This Time

When this election campaign began, I was convinced that Obama was a celebrity monger, black liberation radical-following, terrorist sympathizing abortion proponant. I didn't take these things too seriously because I just didn't know enough about the man to really care. I knew just enough about his politics to dismiss him completely. But in these last six weeks, everything has changed. I regret that I was so presumptuous and failed to completely dismiss these allegations about him.

The more I kept my sights on our GOP's nominee, the more hopeless I became. There was a moment where I thought I may be comfortable with McCain, when Sarah Palin was introduced, but rather than be a fighter for women's rights, she was merely a prop.

The two of them together is all too reminiscent of the good ole' boy system. I have unfondly coined them as McPain. When I hear their painfully inarticulate speeches about "taking care of our vets", and how we've been victorious in our war with Iraq, I want to hang my head in despair at the fact that they will not even aknowledge the failure that is the Iraq war. They will not even consider that we were duped. And then McPain will go on to speak of dealing with Russia, Venezuela, and Spain with more military force rather than attempting diplomacy.

And what about this "Average Joe"? Aside from speaking of "Joe the Plumber" the McPain campaign has tried to promote itself as being "someone we'd like to have a beer with" or a champion of the average American. Yet their campaign has been banal and petty, their airtime being eaten up by personal attacks on Obama. When they attempt to stir emotion in their supporters its not through inspiration or solidarity but through appealing to the most base of human emotions, such as fear, mob mentality, and flattery. Do they really think so low of the "average" American that we would be moved by finger-pointing and incindiary racist sentiment? The "average" American is not so fickle, and their political interest is fueled by real observations and real grievances. Perhaps in less difficult times we were entertained by fairy tales and propaganda, but the economic crisis has forced us into sober maturity.

Corruption, joblessness, and lack of healthcare coverage are real issues, and when the man who is looking for our vote speaks on these matters only as an afterthought, I am truly concerned about McCain's motivations. When Obama says "In the Bible I've read, it says that we are our brother's keeper, we are our sister's keeper" I will listen, because even if this guy is shrewd enough to say exactly what we want to hear, at least he is smart enough to recognize that the "average Joe" is aching for unity and justice and that our issues are beyond needing to identify with our political leaders. If what we need is a drinking buddy in office, then there are a number of unemployed men and women at the corner pub at noon that would be more than happy to apply.

The Shape of a Mother

If you want to see what real women look like after they have babies, check out this website! It celebrates the process of motherhood, and is realistic about the emotional pain that comes from accepting this new identity.

http://theshapeofamother.com/

I have to warn you, however, it is only for mature viewers. I guarantee you will see nudity.

Dreams

Again my husband and I have found ourselves at this place: do we or don't we have a vasectomy? It comes down to dreams. Let me explain.

We have dreams or aspirations to finally have time together. To be able to have dates, to take a vacation together, to someday get a break from parenthood. But each time we have a baby, that time gets put off about three years.
I also would like to have a career or finish my masters, and right now the sacrifice is just unfeasable. I was able to acquire my BA during two of my children's birth, but the program was designed for busy adults. The program was really do-able in terms of being able to do my work and meet my family's needs.
I want my body back. With our last, the bedrest and the difficult recovery really has taken up the better part of a year. We still have bills for this birth since it had to be at the hospital. My house is a lot messier than I like because my kids are marathon nursers. I don't get a break until they are about five months old. And the pain? I really am sick of the pain of birth and constant discomfort of pregnancy. If I could just have the baby without the pregnancy...
I get to thinking that I'm pretty comfortable with the idea of not having any more children. That maybe I'm in a place where I am emotionally ready to move on to deal with all of my children as only older people and not as babies anymore. I start to think that maybe God was letting us know with the pain of the last one that it doesn't get better at this point...
And then I have a dream, at night, that shows me my real heart. Last night I dreamt that I had another baby, a girl, in a hospital suite or birth apartment, unassisted. It was completely painless, and she was early and perfect. I think that I would name her Joy.
I want to make our decision based on faith, not on fear. I want to trust God with our fears, but I also want to move forth on other fronts. I want to help other women with their children. Help them have hope and faith and to enjoy the fruit of their labor. Its times like these that I want to know what God's dreams are for me, His child.

early voting

I was supposed to get up early this morning, but the fall chill trapped me in the warmth of my bed next to my babe. Ah, these are the most wonderful things in life, cuddling with my little nursling. It only lasts for a little while but its a memory that can be put in your pocket for a rainy day-- that rainy day being when your sweet child is a monster screaming "I hate you!"



This is our fifth child, and probably our last. Maybe...oh, I don't know!



I name all of our children accordsing to what their life means to me on my journey with God. Its a secret name, and one that my heart gives them. For my first daughter it was Consecration to God. She was the embarkment of our life (my husband and mine) as a family in the kingdom. She was our first great gift from the Father and it was our duty to raise her as one in service to Him. It doesn't mean that we will make that decision for her, But should she come to us someday and express that she wants to devote her life as a missionary in some hostile country, then I will have to remember that her life doesn't belong to me, and that she is first a child of God. It was also her that God showed himself to be the giver of life, both by healing my body and by putting her in my diseased womb.

My second daughter's name would be God With Us. Throughout my pregnancy I was so fearful. Yet, she was my only child that arrived right on time. The labor was horrible, because of extensive scarring from cervical surgury that I had right after my first daughter. Through horrendous pain and prayer our daughter was born at home, safely. Through that excruciating, ongoing pain I learned to trust God, because I had no other choice. Immediately after her birth, she was ready to eat and clamped onto my breast hard. This one was born hungry.

to be continued...

Good Morning Debt!!!

You'd think that quitting my job would make me feel worse about our rising debt. Instead, it gave my husband and I the motivation to sit down and really look at our monthly bills, where we are behind, and start planning a budget. My dh is the one who needs to see what's going on so that he can plan his work according to our needs. He's also got the foresight to see how the budget will work.
Thank God!! How can less money produce more joy? When the blaming stops and you're blessed with a little strength, when the priority comes people and not things, and when these things bear the fruit of hopefulness... then there is joy at being able to be together. We know that God is there for our good, but it can get scary when His Good starts to look like our ruin.
We had a nice weekend together and I'm so glad to be home.

Let Me Introduce Myself

Okay, so I really don't know what I'm doing. Seriously. If you ever happen to stumble onto this, I apologize now. I haven't written much (like this stuff) in the last 2 years and it may take some time to get my thoughts in order.

I quit my job today. I got a part time job thinking it could help with our finances but all it really did was make me miss my kids, resent that I had to be there in the first place, and remember what its like to go into the secular world. In my home I'm a bit sheltered, and because I am the gatekeeper I get to be spared as well.

As much as I would like to be the breadwinner and get the praise of achievement in the outside world, I've changed. Last year I enrolled into a very competitive graduate theology program. My competion: scholarly monks in training. My professors: seasoned Hungarian monk scholars who either taught or studied or served mass. Never before have I gotten to be so outranked. These guys go see the pope, like, regularly. Who am I in comparison? Can they see my boobs leaking when I start to miss my kids?
Yeah, that lasted all but 1 semester. I became pregnant mid-semester and was very happy to give up. But soon after I left I started bleeding. Though it wasn't bad, I did need to go on modified bedrest for awhile. Because of a past traumatic miscarriage, we were certain we were going to lose that child, but God put one tough kid in there, and he did come out thriving, and we were so happy, but emotionally exhausted.

We were also broke. A little over a year ago, my husband's small business took hit. One of his clients went bankrupt, owing us over $30K. It hurt us and then I was on bedrest and he had to help quite a bit. It wore him out and he became depressed. We are still trying to catch up, but are extremely thankful to have at least have had an steady stream of work coming in.

So, here we are. For the last month I was looking for work, part time. but I'm so hindered that really defining what I can do is difficult. My ad would say:
Stay at home mom looking for part time work. Hours limited to sometimes, maybe, not right now, according to husband's schedule. Can multitask, but do nothing very well or very quickly, usually with only one hand. Job will come in at 7th place on list of priorities, after five kids, husband and self. Will be unable to focus at times, and will randomly lose simple information due to fluctuating hormones. Expect several texts and personal cell phone calls at children's peak crying times. Will hate her job, but will show up because she doesn't want to let anybody down...

Really, what was I thinking???! Welcome to my world.